For the rest of you, allow me to elaborate.

Adequately describing a show like “Mystere” is like trying to explain that beautiful dream you had last night. It’s so powerful that it stays with you long after it’s over but as soon as you start to put it into words you realize you can’t even come close to capturing the full effect. Forgive me in advance for even trying.

The show is a broad mixture of jaw-dropping circus style acrobatics and gymnastics, fantastical avant-garde theater style dance and production numbers, and some laugh-out-loud comic relief. It’s all wrapped up in an almost hallucinatory package of special effects fog, soaring (and descending) hydraulic staging, and ethereal music all of which only reinforces the dreamlike quality of the production.

Get there early so you can appreciate the majestic stage and the antics that happen on it before the show. Just be warned that if you see a crazed looking guy in a suit lit by a spotlight headed in your direction as you’re trying to find your seat you may want to duck in a corner unless you want to become a part of the pre-show entertainment. This is Cirque’s version of a clown, albeit one without floppy feet and a big red nose, who teases and taunts the arriving guests before and during the production.

The show proper opens with the trademark Cirque aesthetic – a “where to look now?” blend of acrobats descending from the rafters, baby carriages rolling across the stage, sleekly costumed dancers and actors throughout the theater, an adult “baby” bouncing a big red ball and sucking on a bottle, a gibberish speaking emcee of sorts and his giant ostrich-like puppet, an adult “toddler” in her pajamas looking for her toy snail… again, this is where words fail. It sounds odd and in many ways it is, but it’s a visual feast that will have you wishing they would rewind and do it all again so you can catch the pieces you missed while you were looking at something else.

Does it all have some sort of deeper meaning? If it does, far be it from me to try to tell you what it is. That’s one of the things I most deeply love about this show. If you want to sit back and enjoy the acrobatics, dance, and comedy you can take the production at face value and still be fulfilled. If, however, you want to search for a subtext about the meaning of life, death, fulfillment, passion, and/or the human condition you can do so and find your own definitions. They may not be the same as the guy sitting next to you but that’s okay. That’s fantastic, actually.

The first circus style act is a good example of this “take from it what you want” mandate. An aerialist/acrobat descends from the ceiling in an aluminum framed cube, twirling it and himself high above the stage. He is lowered to the floor where the heavily costumed cast members help him remove his “cage” and he goes on a soaring flight via a bungee style cord around the theater. At the end the man is standing on the stage, spinning the giant cube in his hand as the theater lights gleam off the metal edges capturing a rainbow of color.

Is it a commentary on taking control of your life? Escaping your own “cage” and flying high, showing that we are ultimately in control of the things that imprison us spiritually and emotionally? Sure, why not? Or it’s a really great circus act. Either way, if the moment where the acrobat runs and jumps and literally flies out over the audience doesn’t cause you to gasp at least a little, you really should have your pulse checked. For me it was the definition of breath-taking.

Other visually and physically stunning acts follow: a pair of men act as “living sculpture,” slowly and elegantly balancing themselves and each other in a virtuoso level performance that will either leave you emotionally drained or wanting to join a gym (or perhaps both); a company of acrobats climb poles, jumping, posing, and leaping around on them as assuredly as monkeys in trees, creating more than one “how can any human being possibly do that?” moment; a group of gymnasts uses a teeter-totter and giant trampolines as their spectacle sized playground; high-flying trapeze artists on an enormous metal contraption tumble through the air with the greatest of ease; and a stage full of pounding, tribal drummers brings the whole thing to an auditory, visual, and emotional crescendo.

My favorite piece by far is the set with six aerialists on swings and bungee cords high above the audience. Costumed in sleek body suits festooned with glittering streamers they tumble, spin, and soar in a glorious evocation of flying freedom that I’m not ashamed to admit brought me to tears just as it did six years ago when I first saw the show. It is beauty brought to life.

Of course I’d be remiss in not spotlighting the comic relief portions of the show, which are audience favorites for good reason. The aforementioned “clown” shows up periodically to harass cast and audience members alike, kidnapping one unsuspecting theater-goer and sticking him in a box while the clown moves in on his wife complete with champagne and candles.

The plus-size man playing the baby (with bonnet, diaper, big red ball, and bottle) is especially noteworthy. He helps open the show with a cooing, giggling, gurgling bit that casts one audience member as his “pa-pa,” then uses the poor guy throughout the show to everyone else’s great amusement. This actor is a master of comic timing – watch for his perfectly executed sideways glances or pauses before wordless punch lines. Each brings effortless laughs that lesser performers would never be able to accomplish.

There’s so much more to the show than even what I’ve described here but to catalogue it all is not only virtually impossible but unnecessary. I’m one of those who sees “Mystere” as more than just a sum of its extraordinary parts, finding inspiration and enrichment in my personal interpretation of what it all means. How you choose to interpret the show is up to you but whether it leaves you moved to the point of speechlessness or simply blows you away by the sheer spectacle of it all, it is an experience that you will not forget and absolutely should not miss on your next trip to Las Vegas.

Vegas4Visitors Grade: A+

Mystere
TI (Treasure Island)
3300 Las Vegas Blvd. South
Las Vegas, NV 89109
800-392-1999
Website
Showtimes: Friday through Tuesday at 7:30 and 10:30pm
Tickets: $95 per person including tax

You see, there aren’t enough words in my old one to adequately describe how excruciatingly awful the newly revamped pirate battle at Treasure Island is. Let’s just say that whoever is responsible for taking one of the most lively and entertaining free shows in Las Vegas and turning it into this sexist, poorly written, embarrassing, tuneless morass should be made to walk the proverbial plank. Or a real one if it’s available.

The old pirate battle was essentially a stunt show, where wacky, plundering pirates were set upon by the British navy and a special effects battle ensued. It was harmless and mostly mindless but it was fun, spectacle-sized entertainment that was even more impressive for the fact that it was free to anyone who happened to pass by on the street.

In an effort to “sex up” the image of the hotel, the folks at Treasure Island (sorry, TI) decided to recast the show as a song and dance extravaganza with skimpily clad “sirens” (apparently a polite word for witches at sea) luring unsuspecting pirates into their cove of iniquity. After capturing one such pirate, stripping him shirtless, and tying him to a spiral staircase around the main mast (yeah, don’t be looking for nautical accuracy) his buddies come to rescue him and a few explosions later the sirens have sunk the pirate ship and enticed the scurvy mates to, well, stay I guess. I suppose looking for a real resolution in a story this stupid is asking too much but that’s just the way I am.

Throughout the “Is it over yet?” 20-minute show are some really, really (did I mention really?) bad songs that unfortunately resonate in your head long after it’s all over, sort of like one of those commercial jingles that won’t go away. It’ll have you rushing to the nearest wall on which you can beat your head in an attempt to make it all stop.

Then there’s the tasteful dialogue. Some sound bites:

“My name is Cinnamon, but every seaman that has sailed into my cove just calls me ‘Sin.’”

Pirate: “Ahoy there!”
Siren: “Who you calling a hoy?”

Get it? Oh my sides.

By the time we got to the part where the sirens get mad because the pirates blow up their wardrobe closets and decide the only way to get even is to whip up a hurricane (because women couldn’t possibly beat men unless they use witchcraft) you’ll just want to sit down because it’s all so, so wrong. And then one of the sirens climbs into her DJ booth and starts “scratching” records and you’ll want to lie down with a cold compress.

If it sounds like I’m being unnecessarily cruel (and really, I’m just getting warmed up), let me make it clear that the performers in the show bear very little responsibility for the whole travesty. They’re trying their best with terrible material and you have to give them credit for giving it their all despite harsh conditions – and I’m not talking about leaping into cold water in February.

No, my primary disdain is directed at the crass decision makers who decided that putting women in skimpy costumes and then making them shake their wares in this misogynistic, offensive, and just tacky production was actually going to draw a younger, “hipper” audience to the hotel. That’s what strip clubs are for.

Vegas4Visitors Grade: F

The Sirens of TI
Treasure Island
3300 Las Vegas Blvd. South
Las Vegas, NV 89109
800-392-1999
Website
Showtimes: Nightly at 6, 8, and 10pm weather permitting (pray for rain)
Tickets: Free (except for the cost to your soul)

An update on the still-closed Binion’s Horseshoe… The deals are flying fast and furious and are so complex that I’m not even sure I understand them fully but here’s what appears to be happening: MTR Gaming, a small casino operator with properties in North Las Vegas (Speedway Casino) and elsewhere in the United States, has agreed to buy Binion’s in a partnership, of sorts, with Harrah’s. Harrah’s will manage the casino for at least a year and retain rights to the Horseshoe name while MTR will manage the hotel and take the Binion’s name. Did you get all that? Regardless, the important thing is they are aiming to have the lights back on by April 1st (Fools day? Is that a good idea?) and the World Series of Poker on April 22nd.

This is all if they can settle the dispute with the various people who own the parcels of land the Horseshoe sits upon. Apparently the land is leased by a conglomeration of landlords who claim they hadn’t been getting paid by the old Binion’s Horseshoe owners. The new MTR/Harrah’s deal has no compensation built in for that missed rent and the landlords are threatening to scuttle the deal if they don’t get the back rent they are owed. Harrah’s and MTR and basically saying “tough noogies, love it or leave it,” which of course has not ingratiated themselves with the landlords.

Those are my words not theirs by the way.

Meanwhile, a group of local small casino operators has agreed to an option to purchase the still closed Castaways hotel just east of Downtown. I hadn’t even heard of the tiny casinos these people operate so I won’t even bother to list them here but whether they’ll actually manage to leap through all the hurdles and raise the necessary cash to get the joint back open is seriously questionable.

First NBC, now the world? Donald Trump officially has a gaming license in Nevada after the state gaming commission gave him unanimous approval last week. What “The Apprentice” mastermind is going to do with that license is still in question and “The Donald” is not letting any cats out of any bags. Some speculation has placed him in partnership with Phil Ruffin, owner of the New Frontier, or redeveloping The Riviera but in statements to the commission he cast doubt on both of those ideas.

There’s been a slight delay in the opening of the Las Vegas Monorail project, now scheduled for late March instead of this week as originally planned. Operators of the monorail system will only say that “additional testing” is required and it has absolutely nothing to do with the January 5th incident where the driveshaft fell out of one of the monorails being tested and fell on the roadway beneath, narrowly missing cars and pedestrians. Just smile and nod.

And finally, there’s a really interesting story in the Las Vegas Review Journal about some of the city’s cab drivers “long-hauling” passengers – that’s where they take them the long way to their destination in order to boost fares. It’s a relatively minor problem but you should be aware of the situation and the advice given in the very well-written article.

The investigative reporter then goes on to detail how some cabbies even acted as pimps, attempting to ply him with offers of various sexual escapades with girls of all stripes and colors while he was in town. Here’s the link to that story.

Scroll down for the answer.

The Weekly Trivia Question is sponsored by
The Vegas4Visitors.com Online Las Vegas Memorabilia Museum

Question: What are some things that most people don’t know about Vegas?

Answer: Top 6 Things That Most People Probably Don’t Know About Vegas:

6. It gets cold in the winter months and rains – average daytime temperatures are only in the 50s and nighttimes can get down into the 30s.

5. In addition to having more hotel rooms (more than 134,000 at last count) than any other US city, Las Vegas hotels operate at more than 90% capacity compared to a national average around 60%.

4. Las Vegas is the fastest growing city (in terms of population) in the US and has been for more than a decade. The area population in 1970 was around 273,000. Today it is more than 1.5 million and more than 6,000 people move there every month!

3. Las Vegas means The Meadows in Spanish. Okay, so anyone who speaks Spanish probably knew that one but still…

2. Slot machines were originally employed in most casinos as a diversion for the wives of the male gamblers playing cards and other table games. They were relegated to the fringes of the casino. Today they take up the bulk of a casino floor space and account for most of the profit the casino makes off of you.

1. The Strip isn’t in Las Vegas. It’s actually outside of city limits (which end at Sahara Blvd.) and is managed by Clark County.

Question: A few buddies and I will be hitting Vegas in a few weeks. As a group of guys in their mid-twenties, we want to hit all of the good topless revues. We are looking for show on the more explicit side vs. the artsy side. Can you recommend any other good shows? Also, do any of the casinos have any topless bars or lounges? What else are the "must sees" for bachelor type crowds? Appreciate your advice.

Answer: Explicit probably isn't the best word for the Vegas topless shows - you won't see anything there that you don't see on HBO every night. But the racier shows would be Skintight at Harrah's, Crazy Girls at the Riviera, and to a certain degree La Femme at the MGM Grand, although whether their artsy execution is truly racy or not is a matter of opinion.

Shows like Jubilee, Folies, and Splash are more traditional topless showgirl type affairs and while good for what they are, they certainly aren't stimulating.

The new Cirque du Soleil production “Zumanity” tries to be a sex-filled orgy as stage show but really just comes across as silly most of the time.

If it were up to me, I'd save my money and hit a strip club instead. You'll probably spend about the same amount of money and you'll get much more up close and personal (so to speak). Sapphire is the largest and one of the nicest, Treasures and Jaguars are the most upscale, Tally Ho and Striptease are the raunchiest (but in a good way).

I'd also be sure to go and hit the nightclubs – Rain and Ghostbar at The Palms and Studio 54 at MGM Grand are the hottest of spots right now.

You can find info on all of these things in the shows and nightlife sections of Vegas4Visitors.com.